Friday, June 29, 2012

Vampires : the man in the unicorn suit chapter 2


My friends call me Q or do when I have some. Most people only call me for work. I live in Bakersfield we have a vampire problem.

Their skin catches the light like antique candle wax. No matter how charming their expression or fine their features their faces brought to mind grotesque chotchkies forgotten in the back of some thrift shop.

In an older time they when naked with the exception of their cloaks now it is over-sized hooded sweat suits with rust stains down the front.

They sleep in loose heaps with no regard to comfort or hygiene they have no interest save one and in that they rarely show subtly or finesse.

Vampires are shockingly uniform in their character. Male or female one thousand years old or created the week previous, Black white or Asian. They wear the same clothes tell the same boring jokes. Not out of some kind of cultic adherence to a code but because of their lack of interest in anything other than their fix.  Ancient junkies with aens of nothing but cop shoot cop.

I for one have never seen the appeal.

Don’t get me wrong I have no gripe with critters that take their killing seriously. I am a professional. But if you are going to live forever read a damn book every now and again.

I have had more than my share of professions as a product of some unfortunate choices made by myself and others. One of these jobs was as an exterminator. Not a hit-man or a death camp counselor (although I have done those jobs as well) but as a bug-man with a tank of chlorinated hydro carbons on his back. It turns out that if it is done right it can be a thinking man’s job. Of course it is not necessarily so.
There are tricks. Take boric acid bakers cocoa and flour mixed equal parts with enough water to make it a paste or dough. Spread it behind baseboards, appliances and on the underside of kitchen drawers your roaches will be gone in 2 weeks max. This of course is not emotionally satisfying for the typical householder. Who in accordance with the nature of his genus demands to see corpses they want to see their enemy twitching on his back in spasms of pain (Roaches killed by boric die quietly on their feet). So your bug-man always eager to please uses a flusher with the poison. A flusher is a pesticide not valued for its ability to kill but for its eagerness to cause pain. It burns the roach cascades of buggy pain flows through his buggy neurons. The enemy runs screaming out of his hiding place and is soon dead from the actually potent chemical.  

This is a waste of resources and is ultimately dishonest as only 98-99% of the little bastards ever die. Which works out dandy for the company cuz then they can sell you the monthly service and collect a nominal fee until the earth passes away.

I don’t do it anymore there is no poetry in it and it made my clothes stink.

You can tell if a vampire has recently feed its face swells and turns a deep beet red Its body too. The seams of the sweat-suits strain under the pressure of the engorgement. Looking like some kind of obscene offspring of a tick and a blood blister they waddle off to digest their meal.

That is when you do them. Not only are they bloated and lethargic. Their blood sacs are full of the red junk and they cannot be bothered to put up a proper defense. That is why I always let them feed first it makes it easier and gives the client more emotional investment in the show.

The next bit seems dramatic but it’s not. Always kill vampires on a sunny day at noon. That way you can always throw a few out the window. They smoke and blister in the sun then they pop like monstrous blood filled pimples. Never stake them unless for some reason you enjoy a face full of tarry half digested hemoglobin. There is just no way of doing it without a fire house of black and crimson drenching you. Decapitation works best. It paints the room and gives you the twitching bodies the client is looking for.

The Morning and Evening Star .01

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